My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
