mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
birth control should be required to get into college
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
