You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
