Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
