I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize