he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
