so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
