im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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