god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So squirting runs in the family.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
