onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
