I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
