Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Pants are for mortals
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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