Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
