I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
