you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Oh god it's open bar.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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