My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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