there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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