he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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