So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
