you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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