Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
