We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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