I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
