Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
