Pappa wants mamma naked
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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