I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
