well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize