I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
