Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
