So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize