Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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