Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
