I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
