hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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