Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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