last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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