best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
