capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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