I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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