Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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