1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
