If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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