Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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