my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
