you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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