i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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