they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize