Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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