Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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