I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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