I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
