Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
