he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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