I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
