We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
