Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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