I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize