Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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