He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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