Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize