Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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