If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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