I wish I could punch you in the face.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
