i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
