and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
