Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
